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Journal
6.5.04
Heart of Gold......
i wrote a blog about this recording (the one you can hear playing on this page) and it's
on a friend's computer -- will upload in a couple. blog pro tem.....
but first: go see "Bukowski."
Song: Heart of Gold by Neil Young. lyrics:
www.lyricsfreak.com/n/neil-young/98988.html i added some lyrics. hope mr.
young doesn't mind. To listen, go here http://profiles.myspace.com/users/316255 and wait for the song to load.
When: this time last year, about 8 hours after a nifty car crash, 12 hours after
getting some intense news of a loved one, about 1 hour after i came home from the hospital.
How: i have no idea....on 1000 mg of Vicodin.
Where: my bedroom, lights off.
Why: because i was at the most empty point. That Day. all i had was this song.
memory sketchy. i remember calling ray and singing the guitar solo to him, and him
emailng me .wav files about 30 minutes later, me pitifully sitting over a computer.
What doesn't kill you makes you smaller. And that is big.
i know if i ever want to do anything with this, i would have to re-open that day.
re-do, add, re-mix, blah blah.....and that's an effed up vocal, meaning, i know
what's *in* that vocal. so it is what it is.
i named it "HOG Vicodin Demo."
i've been a miner for a heart of gold.
have a great and safe weekend.
p&l
fd
5.21.04
News, Notes and Whatnot....& *Free* CD's & *Shows*
private party at Spider Club on 6/22
6/25 HOTEL CAFE @ 8:00 p.m. ALL AGES
www.hotelcafe.com
7/3 @ TWIGGS San Diego
www.twiggs.org
7/24 & 25 TBA Medford and Ashland, OR
8/3-@ TWIGGS San Diego
www.twiggs.org
working on some Arizona, Santa Cruz, shows..... I know it's a little far ahead,
but for the New York friends, we'll be there for two shows in the fall.
****************************************************************************************
i just received a small box of promo cds that i had signed from the label, of
the full-length Zerospace (they are in a sleeve, not the entire artwork) but ----
I'm going to throw them in to the peeps that buy my *Solo* record..... you know where --
see the link below:
Purchase
OH YEAH! putting up 99 cent downloads for the album and new songs on the website.
Should be up and running by the end of the weekend... It's cheaper than the album,
and for all the overseas peeps it saves time and cashola. so keep checking back
for that one --
*****************
8mm
i have a friend, Juliette. I have another friend, Sean. They are married. They have a
house, a fence, a couple of dogs, and some sort of device hanging from their ceiling in
their bedroom. They also have a music project called 8mm. And if you are really my friend,
you will check it out. it's bad ass. and she be real hot.
www.8mmaudio.com post your comments here, i want
to see all the glowing reviews! Sean worked with, produced and mixed KT. Sean also
taught me a lot about being a better songwriter. He also was with NIN since the
beginning, and has produced some incredilble projects over the past few years....
but hey, just go to the damn website, read the bio and listen for yourself.
have a great weekend.
p&l
fd
5.4.04
and the trees applauded
You left me here
The wind blew and trees applauded
I think it was your only audience
“the bluest blue,” he said. (they had already forgotten you)
This is the moment
When you have no more moments
This is the moment
When I’m left with this moment
All is ether
Pulled the sheet over your face
All is ether
And we used to play
All is ether
The pieces never fit
Paper dolls don’t last forever
What is done, that lasts forever.
p&l
fd
2.11.04
we gotta ride this piece of dirt around the sun...
So I guess the theme of this phase is "you never know." Beauty and
opportunity are in the most unlikely places sometimes. Preface this
journal with I’m not into weddings. I had an obligatory attendance
at one this Saturday.......If my two best girlfriends (who happen
to be getting married this year) read this -- I’m talking about
everyone’s weddings except you guys! But then again, they are my
best friends, they know this.
Maybe I’m jaded, maybe I think that most people get married because
of the Idea of something or out of fear, maybe it’s just something
I can’t comprehend. "I won’t belong to any club that would have me
as a member," Groucho Marx said. Or was it Karl Marx? I don’t have
the answers for myself, but I do know that in general, weddings aren’t
my thing. I also know that every time I say ‘never,’ I eat my words.
So in closing this diatribe, I think I’ve covered all sides....
ANYWAY, back to ‘opportunity comes in the most unlikely places....’
So about this time last year, I was going to give up on music, the
life I had in general. Maybe do something like travel and work for
some sort of charity, or help kids. Long story short, the avenues I
pursued didn’t work out. Then I got an opportunity to be a Big Sis
to an inner-city Latchkey girl, who really wanted to be a singer. I
was so excited about that! That fell through, too. I really try to do
something with the precept that somehow it is ‘of service.’ Not everything,
like getting a massage or shopping for the perfect black boot, but you
know, in a bigger sense. And the music has been a way to facilitate that
precept, not only upon myself, but in sharing with others. I truly believe
healing and growth comes from "relating."
There was a very pleasant gentleman (an artist and I believe a
psychologist) who sat across from me at the reception of the wedding
Saturday. He works at a center in Los Angeles that provides lengthy
group therapy sessions for individuals who have schizo-related pathology
and/or depression. Now when I say schizo, I’m talking about "dealing with
reality/realities." Not Sybil. FYI, that is M.P.D or D.I.D.
(Multiple Personality Disorder/ Dissociative Identity Disorder). These
people at the center, generally, are functional professionals, normal
people like you and me". The man I met was telling me he has guest
speakers/artists come in every week, because he believes that helping
people tap into their well of creativity and relating to people is the
best way to heal. There is always a sense of comfort in "knowing you’re
not alone." There may be a couple of cold-hearted naysayers reading this,
but somewhere inside you know it’s true. ;)
We had a good conversation about not only my concurrence on this philosophy,
but the fact that this is something I would love to do. He invited me to
come be a speaker, share, talk about art, finding and expressing those
"places," that seem to be a catalyst for our neuroses, and dealing with
depression. I’m not fundamentally a "depressed" person, but I have had
my bouts with it, like I believe any human being, interacting with the
challenges of life itself, will experience. And then at the end of the
"sharing," you perform some songs and just kick it. PERFECT! So do I
love weddings or what?! ;) Maybe I’ll have some cool stories from it......
small rant: Life is difficult. We grieve. We joy. We love. We hurt.
This is the human experience. All here to teach us maybe um, compassion
or some shit like that????? If a pill is popped every time something is
felt, it inhibits our ability to understand the tools we have inside of
us. (I’m not talking about severe chemical problems, trauma, etc. ok?
......So if I get any emails rebutting my opinion [which no one has to
agree with] - I love you - but I will not be engaging in this debate.)
Doesn’t beauty and opportunity come in the most unlikely places sometimes?
p&l
fd
1.5.04
“on to a bigger, better, you…..”
so I’m weird, obsessive, balanced and excited….. backtrack….
my friend came back from New Zealand this weekend and gave me a
necklace as a holiday gift. It was some sort of esoteric symbol
for a hook – and the idea is to put the thought of what you
want to “hook” this year into it before you put it on.
I love jewelry that means something, but I’m not really an
“amulet” chick. But it is a cool necklace. And I thought
it would be best and respectful to follow protocol with the instruction.
There was no looking in the gift horse mouth vibe going on, btw.
This person is very close to me. I realized: I don’t really
want anything. Or is it that I don’t know what I want? Eh,
nah, I don’t really feel that way. The thought of “hooking”
something felt like attainment, and holding on to something, and
at this time of life I just didn’t feel it, man. (I’m
sure that a therapist would say it’s fear of loss or some shit,
but I think I’ll keep my buck twenty-five.) I mean, what do
I wish for? If life is just a series of moments in the present,
if we focus on what we can get in the future, aren’t we missing
out on something? I’ve seen people not realize
this until their last days…… I keep being reminded of
‘desire is the cause of suffering.’ And I mean, what do
we say, in general we all want? Recognition? Love? Money? A better
ass, flatter stomach? Shit, I’m just glad to be here. Love?
You gotta love yourself, first. Recognition? I think it’s better
to be able to give yourself the recognition that it doesn’t
matter what other people think about you. Cause no matter how big
a fish you are, there is a bigger percentage of the world that is
not waiting at the edge of its seat for your Show and Tell. "Fuck
it" can be a very good mantra in the right context. Mo
money? C’Mon, we’ve all heard the P Diddy song ;).
Should I wish for a better ass? (I’ll let my friend Juliette
answer that one ;).) Oh yeah, the reason why I’m those first
4 adjectives at the beginning of this: I vacillate between me sucking
and being proud of this whole record thing. Hate this cliché
but: ‘at the end of the day’ I’m proud that I could
even do anything at all.
"Life isn’t personal, it just feels that way." --Steve
Mason
1.1.04
Blank white screen. A new place, a new beginning. A little hostile.
the blank screen vs. my intention. I'm staring at it staring at
me.
I am trying to avoid being too serious, but it looks like I just
need to get this out. I realize there are people directed to this
site via their knowledge of my band, so:
I changed. Life changed me. I changed my life. Things got complicated.
A series of intense real life issues facilitated that which was
bound to happen, anyway. The loss of love, the structure of things
that one never thinks would fall. Death can be quite an education.
Unforeseen life-affirming obstacles, material and non.. What this
afforded me was re-evaluation of the significance of things, true
inner happiness, choices. I never ever expected I would have to
do the amount of gutting in my life that has occurred over the past
year and a half. I do admit I have a tendency to get a rush in the
destruction of things, the leaving of material things, change. maybe
a little too much. In the past, it has been the winning formula
to not be backed in a corner. But this time, I was even forced to
shed what I enjoyed so much in the past about change. I have been
lucky enough to have the success and experiences I have had so far,
but an expectation of result has no bearing on my creative choices.
There's not enough $, or any carrot that could be placed in front
of my face that could change my mind. This is a life choice, and
the only way I can be a productive human being, and be good to those
I love, and even strangers in passing, is to keep in check what
I give from the inside-out...... okay.
There. That's all. It's out. And I think I did it with no metaphors
(perhaps one), no comic relief. (Believe me, I want to hit Ctrl
A/Delete about now.) But hey, this is real, baby.
I'm glad that I've also taken the time to let sink in what's happened
over the past 2 albums, etc. with the band. So appreciative. So
incredibly thankful of the people who have come together. To see
that there were friendships made, a community of sharing, helping,
that a group of people out there connected with the music. With
touring, I met so many wonderful people, who said things and shared
things that I will never forget. I'm honored. Nothing taken for
granted. I was driving up to SF recently and just happened to turn
on the radio and a song of ours was on. Appreciative. Or I would
get phone calls from like Detroit or wherever from friends on the
road and would say that such and such was on the radio. I'm proud
of that. And all the other stuff that came with it.
And don't get me wrong, I'm having fun, making music, and have good
peeps around. And I already have stories. ;)
This record is the stripped version of songs. Wanted to see if the
song comes through. This was my own personal test. I don't think
I could put myself out naked any more than this. Regarding shows,
there is a full live band, and everything's kicked up. And of course,
always writing.
Still gotta rock.
p&l
fd
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